By Colby Malsbury

 

We here at Tribal Theocrat take tremendous pride in our Pulitzer Prize-winning investigative journalism. Thus, when our ace cub reporter Skip Gailee burst into our editor’s office announcing he had scooped the script for Columbia Pictures’ latest Three Presbyterian Stooges short subject, it almost blew our editor’s green visor off of his lumpen bald head. Who doesn’t laugh uproariously at the zany antics of those incompetents PcaMoe, OpcLarry, and PcusaCurly? We were so pleased with Skip we promised him he would be promoted to an unpaid assistant intern position any year now.

The Three Presbyterian Stooges In: Nimrods in the Synod

Opening theme.

Establishing shot of a sign:

DEWEY, CHEATHAM, AND HOWE PRESBYTERIAN SEMINARY, INC.

WE DO NOT VALIDATE PARKING.

Cut to shot of Chairman Dewey, seated with Elders Cheatham and Howe, sitting at a table in an unadorned room.

Chairman Dewey: ‘Gentlemen, I call this inaugural executive session of our newly-commissioned seminary to order. As you know, our church membership is in steep decline. The reason for this is obvious. We have not been progressive enough! Without a modernist hermeneutic pervading our interpretation of the Scriptures, how can we hope to create a class of caring and effective parliamentarians for the morrow? To that end, and in the spirit of interdenominational ecumenism, I have hired three eminent and duly authorized theologians, representative of each of our esteemed sub-denominations, to get the ball rolling! They are due in on the 10 AM express train from Hoboken!’

Cut to shot of a clock in the hallway with the hands spinning quickly.

Knock on the door of the office.

Chairman Dewey: ‘Come in!’

The Stooges enter.

PcaMoe (singing): ‘Hello….’

OpcLarry (singing): ‘Hello……..’

PcusaCurly (singing): ‘Hello…………….’

All three, in unison: ‘HELLO!’

PcaM: ‘Good morning, elders! We’re the scholars!’

CD: ‘Gentlemen, you’re late! Why, it’s nearly twelve o’clock!’

PcusaC: ‘Well, you know the old saying! A diller, a dollar….’

PcaM (interrupting): ‘Let’s make you holler.’ SLAP!

PcusaC: ‘OH!!!’

OpcL: ‘Leave him alone!’

PcaM: ‘Shaddap! You ain’t got no federal headship over me, Porcupine!’ (pulls OpcL’s hair)

CD: ‘Gentlemen, to business, if you please. Before we take you on, we’d like to ask you a few pertinent questions. Dr. PcaMoe, what Biblical passage speaks softest to your heart?’

PcaM: ‘Certainly, that would be ‘If thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out! (Turning to PcusaCurly) Just like your eye does, Turnip-Noggin! (sticks his thumb in PcusaCurly’s right eye) And your left eye ain’t so hot, neither!’ (ditto on the left eye)

PcusaC: ‘MmmmmmMMMMMM!’

PcaM: ‘Quiet!’

Elder Cheatham: ‘Yes, well. Dr. OpcLarry, what is your doctrinal stance?’

OpcL: ‘I’m orthodox!’

PcaM: ‘Hello, Orthodox! Let me quote you some Knox!’

OpcL: ‘Please do so!’

PcaM KNOCK KNOCK KNOCKS on OpcL’s head with a gavel.

OpcL: ‘Oh, PcaMoe….’

PcaM: ‘And don’t you forget it!’

Elder Howe: ‘Dr. PcusaCurly, where were you ordained?’

PcausaC: ‘Union!’

EH: ‘Which Union?’

PcausaC: ‘The Sobeit Union!’

EH, mishearing, immediately perks up: ‘Really! Well, that’s fine! What led you there?’

PcusaC: ‘Well, I was too stupid to get into Princeton, so I said ‘So be it! Union! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!’

CD: ‘Gentlemen, thank you. Please give us a moment to confer.’

The board huddles.

CD: ‘What are your thoughts on their qualifications?’

EC: ‘They all seem to have some kind of egregious personality disorder.’

CD: ‘My thoughts exactly. They’ll fit right in! Welcome aboard, gentlemen!’

PcaM: ‘Swell, Chief! We won’t let you down! Just wait and see! (turning to the other two and scowling) All right, you imbeciles, enough monkeyshines! We gotta syllabus to draft by tomorrow! Let’s get to work!’

The Stooges proceed to march in tandem, clapping their hands and whistling Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence off-key while circling the elders’ desk. After repeating this cycle five times, they march determinedly into the room’s broom closet, where they crash through the wall into the hallway, never breaking stride and leaving a mess behind.

PcusaC: ‘Just like the walls of Jericho! WOO woowoowoowoo!’

Elders, holding their heads in their hands: ‘Ohhhhhhh.’

End of Scene 1.

Scene 2 opens on an unadorned room containing a table. The Stooges are in centre position.

PcaM: ‘Spread out, ya mooks, we gotta get things done for tomorrow! YOU (pointing to OpcL) start preparing the lesson plans for the week! YOU (pointing to PcusaC) start hitting the commentaries and treatises for points of edification! Me, I’m looking up edgy Reformed memes online to use in the Powerpoint presentation! Someone’s gotta do the heavy lifting around here!’

PcaM gets a shock from his laptop.

PcaM to OpcL: ‘Hey, Vessel of Destruction! What’s wrong with this laptop?’

OpcL: ‘I dunno. Why don’t you fix it?’

PcaM: ‘If I wanted to get my hands dirty, I would have joined a lower church! (angrily beckoning PcusaC) C’mon, get the battery on this thing changed!’

PcusaC removes the battery, places it on the table, slathers it in talcum powder and oil, and puts a diaper on it, all while humming and barking.

PcaM: ‘Say, what’s the big idea?’

PcusaC: ‘I’m changin’ the battery! RrrrrUFF!!! Hey, has this kid been baptized yet? We ain’t credo, y’know!’

PcaM: ‘No, but some of us are cretins!’ (twists PcusaC’s ear)

PcusaC: ‘MMMM!!!! Don’t forget, I sired you!’

PcaM: ‘Here’s your Father’s Day present!’ (slaps his fist, fist twirls in an arc, bops PcusaC on the head)

PcaM to OpcL: ‘Hey, Craft Beer Breath, we got any doctrinal basis for justifyin’ shameless pandering to minorities?’

OpcL: ‘Yeah, we do! Irresistible Race!’

PcaM: ‘Fantastic! Make a note of it!’

OpcL: ‘Done like settled science!’

OpcL picks up an oversized rubber stamp, goes to stamp the document, and accidentally crushes PcaM’s hand.

OpcL: ‘I’m sorry, PcaM!’

PcaM: ‘Aw, that’s all right, kid! I forgive you!’

OpcL (relieved): ‘You do?’

PcaM: ‘Sure! In fact, I’ll give you four right now!’ SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP.

PcaM (toPcusaC): ‘Hurry up and get the psalter!’

PcusaC returns with the psalter and the school’s pastry chef.

PcaM: ‘What’s this supposed to be?’

PcusaC: ‘A psalter and batterer! Nyuk nyuk!’

PcaM: ‘Good thing you reminded me…..’ POW BANG CRUNCH OOF ZOWIE!

PcusaC, arising from the floor disheveled and dazed: ‘Hey, PcaMoe! Help me! I’m blind!!!’

PcaM: ‘That’s because your fallen state avails you nothing in terms of soteriology! Also, you got your eyes closed!’

PcusaC opens his eyes: ‘Oh! There you are!’

PcaM: ‘Know what? Your eyes are offending me again!’ (pokes PcusaC’s eyes with forked fingers)

OpcL: ‘Hey, PcaMoe, can we work somethin’ into the lesson about how Machen actually wasn’t racist?’

PcaM: ‘Where’d ya come up with that bit of revisionist insensitivity, ya lunkhead?’

OpcL: ‘One of his students, who later served as a missionary in the Orient, told me!’

PcaM: ‘Oooohhhh – Machen Chinese secret, huh?’ (Shoves OpcL) G’wan, get outta here!’

PcaM: ‘Well, boys, I think we’re all set to go! We’d best hit the sack – got a big day tomorrow!’

The Stooges change into nightgowns and stocking caps, and all three jump into an unmade bed that was abutting the corner. Immediately they begin snoring in unison – ‘Honk, shoo, wa-wa-wa-waah!’

End of Scene 2.

Scene 3 opens on a classroom, mostly unadorned except for a table, a row of desks, a blackboard, an American flag, and a plaque depicting Jonathan Edwards’s ‘you contribute nothing to your salvation….’ quote. But not Edwards himself. That would be imagery. A troupe of seminarians, mostly black save for a few token whites, marches in stage left and takes their seats. The board of directors is seen at the rear of the classroom, along with billionaire financier of progressive Calvinism James Rinady.

CD: ‘My liege, and gentlemen, this is a great day indeed! We will now begin to reclaim the culture in earnest…a second Westminster! O, wondrous and fulsome thing!!!’

James Rinady: ‘I’m only here because you named the A/V wing after me.’

CD: ‘Quite right, quite right. (seeing Stooges) Ah, gentlemen! Welcome!!’

The Stooges enter, clad in caps and gowns, and march over to the blackboard.

PcaM: ‘Good morning, class! We’re the professors! (suddenly stern) Now lissen up, ya poltroons! This ain’t gonna be no cakewalk! Weighty matters worthy of eminent consideration are gonna be discussed here. Don’t think we’re gonna slow down for you if you can’t keep up! We’ll start with a recap of the five foundational points of Calvinism. Hit it, Maestro!’

Sound of tinkly classroom piano playing.

The Stooges, singing: ‘Tee A Tay

Tee E Tee

Tee I Tikki-ti

Tee O Tow

Tikki ti-o tee U Tu

Tikki-ti-tow-tu!

U A Uay

U E Uee…’

And you get the picture.

PcusaC: ‘Who can give me a summary of the theology of Karl Barth?’

Sullen Black Student: ‘Man, I dunno.’

PcusaC: ‘Correct! Go to the head of the class!’

PcusaC leads sullen black student up to the front of the class, sits him on the table, and puts a chintzy Burger King crown on his head. Sullen black student glowers straight into the camera.

PcaM: ‘You dummy! Whadja do that for?? Doncha know we’re Roundheads???’

PcusaC: ‘I thought we was Fatheads! You’re always calling me that!’

PcaM: ‘Meditate on what you have wrought!’ (slams wastebasket over PcusaC’s head)

PcusaC: ‘Whadja do THAT for????’

PcaM: ‘I was predestined to. Now get back to teaching!’

SBS: ‘Yo, dis THEE-ological wackadoodle ain’t street! It doan speak to the black ‘sperience! Man, why don’ we pop on Ye’s ‘Jesus is King’ on the TURN-table an’ let a true c’nversion speak to our hearts, G?’

PcaM: ‘I’m very sorry, but the school does not have a record player. We need to keep up with the times! We just bought a CD/cassette deck combo from Goodwill last week, so what more do ya want?’

SBS: ‘Dat rayciss, Holmes.’

A riot immediately erupts in the classroom. Pandemonium ensues.

CD: ‘GEN-tlemen, GEN-tlemen, GEN-tlemen….!!!!!’

JR: ‘I missed a lunch date with Soros for this???’

PcaM to PcusaC: ‘Why, you numbskull! This is all the fault of your entrenched white privilegeism!’

PcusaC: ‘I resent that!’

PcaM: ‘Whaddaya gonna do about it?’

PcusaC: ‘Go flagellate myself. Nyuk nyuk nyuk!’

PcaM: ‘Here, lemme help ya!’ (Breaks chair over PcusaC’s back)

Meanwhile, OpcL has been playing a screechy violin directly beside the board of elders.

EC: ‘You know, at the last general assembly I voted to keep all music out of the chancel, myself.’

The bow on OpcL’s violin snags in EC’s beard, ripping away a sizable chunk.

OpcL, seeing the chunk and gasping: ‘The ghost of Spurgeon!’

PcaM, to the gathering at large: ‘STOP!!!! This has gone FAR ENOUGH!!! Need I remind you that we operate under the regulative principle of worship here?’

PcusaC hits him in face with a pie, melee starts again.

PcaM to PcusaC: ‘Go find something to break this up, Non-Prudent Nose!’

PcusaC runs into the seminary’s basement, comes across the structure’s main support beam.

PcusaC: ‘Ooooohhh! A weaver’s beam! This oughta do it!’

PcusaC plucks up the beam, places it under his arm, and carries it away happily. Seconds later, the entire building begins to tremble, and then collapses in its own footprint.

The Stooges emerge from the rubble.

PcaM: ‘Well, boys, I would say we have done a good day’s work here, don’t you?’

OpcL: ‘Yeah, but we don’t have jobs no more. What are we gonna do?’

PcaM: ‘Aw, not to worry! I know of a fellow knuckle-noodle who’s always on the lookout for an outreach program! He’d be delighted to take us in!’

The Stooges tromp to a house next door. Pan over to a sign on the lawn that reads:

RUSSELL D. MOORE, ESQ.

GRAND POOBAH, SBC

I DO NOT VALIDATE PARKING.

PcusaC: ‘WHOOP whoopwhoopwhoopwhoop!’

End theme and credits.