Joseph Sobran defined Alienism as “a prejudice in favor of the alien, the marginal, the dispossessed, the eccentric, reaching an extreme in the attempt to ‘build a new society’ by destroying the basic institutions of the native. The most terrible fulfillment of this principle is Communism.” In Christianity, our responsibility to others is governed by relationship, such that we have a greater responsibility to our own family, race, town, state, region, and country, than we do to “the other”. Christians should favor the native and the normal over the alien and the novel. Nevertheless, it is undeniable that a great many of my fellow Christians today have given themselves over to strange affections of one variety or another. With that introduction, and with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, I give you:

You might be a Christian Alienist if…

1. You dream of defeating Kinists in a rap battle.
2. You find Stephen Halbrook’s writing profound.
3. R. J. Rushdoony and Robert Dabney give you cognitive dissonance.
4. You wash your whites and your coloreds together.
5. You think that the Old Testament covenant people were 10% racial Hebrews, tops.
6. You skip past the genealogies.
7. You think that Cretans weren’t really liars, evil beasts, and lazy gluttons.
8. You secretly fear that Paul’s concern for his own people was racist.
9. You think that the ancestors of Christ included ten Negroes, four Chinese, and a couple of Hittites.
10. You think Moses had a black wife, and you want one too.
11. You think that being a Kinist means you have to marry your sister.
12. Your main argument against Kinism centers around your love of tacos and kabobs.
13. You constantly ask Kinists if a Frenchman may marry a German.
14. You’re 1/16th Cherokee and 15/16ths English, but you list your race as “Native American”.
15. You loudly say “Amen!” in church to try to make the black visitors feel welcome.
16. You dream of a mocha-colored future.
17. You think that Mongolian Christian culture would be identical to Bulgarian Christian culture.
18. You laugh nervously when minorities make racial realist observations, but condemn whites to Hell when they do the same.
19. You think that whoever came up with the “Successful Black Man” meme is worse than Hitler.
20. Your interactions with Kinists formed the empirical basis for Godwin’s Law.
21. Reductio ad Hitlerum is your favorite form of argument.
22. Your eldest son is named “Uriah the Human”.
23. You tell your friends that John Piper’s Bloodlines really made you think.
24. You want to start a national conversation on race, but you believe there’s no such thing as race.
25. You believe that the only race is the human race, then turn around and complain about racist white people.
26. You think Galatians 3:28 puts an end to racial distinctions, but not to distinctions between the sexes.
27. You’ve never read the second half of Acts 17:26.
28. You abandon your family to become a missionary.
29. You think God has called you to block Kinists on Facebook.
30. You’ve never heard of the Frankfurt School, but you want your children to go there.
31. Antonio Gramsci is your co-pilot.
32. When you see a picture of a Frankenfamily on Facebook, you always comment, “Beautiful family, bro!”
33. You think that racism means noticing that the races are different, and that it’s the gravest sin imaginable, even though races don’t exist.
34. You think that a 16 year-old Swede may marry a 96 year-old Pygmy, as long as they’re both “in the Lord”.
35. You long for the day when General Butt Naked is made your bishop.
36. You pray that missionaries native to the 10/40 Window will one day evangelize America.
37. You think borders are only relevant when wallpapering.
38. You claim race doesn’t exist, and believe even if it did it wouldn’t be important, but you support the preservation of indigenous tribes in third world countries.
39. You don’t believe race exists, but you’re dying to adopt one of those foreign babies.
40. You’ve ever used a Spielberg movie or a Tupac song as a witnessing tool.
41. Your “bucket list” includes mission trips to Lesotho and Haiti, as well as a “dream dinner” with Bojidar Marinov.
42. You actually use the term “bucket list”.
43. Your greatest heroes include MLK, Mandela, and Mugabe.
44. Your homeschooling curriculum includes To Kill a Mockingbird, Corrie ten Boom’s The Hiding Place, and Elie Wiesel’s Night.
45. You start sentences with, “As my African-American friends say…”
46. Every time you eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you remember to give thanks for George Washington Carver.
47. You object to your son bringing home his black girlfriend because she’s a Catholic.
48. You thought Red Tails should have won the Academy Award for Best Picture.
49. You still cry when you see old clips of Jesse Jackson hovering over MLK’s body.
50. You get shocked, saddened, disgusted, appalled, and horrified over statements like “I prefer to be with my own kind.”
51. On your first date with your Liberian girlfriend, you took her to see Django Unchained.
52. You are angered when someone points out Abraham Lincoln’s racist quotes.
53. You think only ignorant white hillbillies bother with agrarianism.
54. You refer to the Ethiopian eunuch as a “sexual minority”.
55. Hearing how the Talmud denigrates Christ makes you “sad”.
56. National Geographic was like porn and you liked it.
57. You take vacation time every year to attend the NAACP Conference.
58. You’ve booked Ron Jeremy to speak at your church.
59. You work at American Vision.
60. You cry when you hear MLK’s “I Have a Dream” speech.
61. You bemoan Kinism’s “legalism”, but complain whenever you see anyone drinking a beer.
62. You put yourself on a Christmas card dancing to “Feliz Navidad”, and your congregation thought it was delightful.
63. You constantly point out that MLK and Jackie Robinson were Republicans.
64. You use the term “cultural enrichment”, not sarcastically.
65. You believe all of Hollywood’s problems are due to “liberals and secularists”.
66. You advocate for the creation of a Holocaust museum in your rural town of 3000 people.
67. You financially support Anthony Bradley.
68. You think the schools’ problems are lack of prayer.
69. You move to a black neighborhood, and go on and on about how you “just love this new culture”.
70. You think the modern rejuvenation of Christendom began when “under God” was added to the pledge of allegiance.
71. You think “Trayvoning” is hurtful.
72. You actually paid to listen to Tim Wise, then waited in line to get his autograph.
73. You send your children to be “salt & light” to public schools and then to the military.
74. You send money to the SPLC.
75. You campaign for minority rights in your all white town.
76. You remember Leo Frank Day.
77. You tell other people that Orientals are great drivers and pilots.
78. You think “freedom of association” is a code-term for racist hate.
79. You rejoiced when George Wallace was finally defeated.
80. Before setting your Facebook profile picture to an unknown Puritan, you spent five hours searching for a black one.
81. You hope your son looks like Trayvon.
82. You think “the world’s most interesting man” is actually Tim Wise.
83. After being shown Matthew Henry’s “racism”, you start referring to him as a “creepy-ass cracker”.
84. You go to the Ligonier Conference just so you can hear Thabiti.
85. You think Anthony Bradley is deep.
86. You wear your jeans around your knees.
87. You won’t refer to yourself as a “bond servant” of Christ for fear of appearing to support slavery.
88. You brag that your high school had a black homecoming queen, and that you voted for her.
89. You agreed with Tipper Gore and her Parents Music Resource Center, but think rap music is OK.
90. You tell your friends that Creflo Dollar and Bishop T.D. Jakes are inspiring.
91. You thought Joycelyn Elders was the best Surgeon General ever.
92. You always complain about Pastor David Manning’s self-hatred.
93. You still wear your “Free the Jena Six” T-shirt.
94. You thought the Duke lacrosse team got off easy.
95. You think Tawana Brawley was libeled.
96. You think that an illiterate illegal immigrant on welfare has just as much right to vote as you do.
97. You would rather vacation in Tel Aviv than in Switzerland.
98. You think that Rushdoony married at least 15 different mixed couples.
99. You love to sing “Go Tell It on the Mountain” at the Christmas Eve service.
100. You find it confusing that your hero in the Emancipation Proclamation only freed slaves where they couldn’t be free while he kept them in bondage where he could have freed them.
101. You think John Brown was a hero.
102. You think John Brown made the gallows holier than the Cross.
103. You value unity over truth.
104. Everything funny makes you morally offended.
105. You find this list OUTRAGEOUS.

Further reading at:
http://shotgunwildatheart.wordpress.com/2013/07/16/you-might-be-a-kinist-if/

(Many thanks to P.B., Colby, Justin, Tony, and Robert for their help with compiling this list.)