By Colby Malsbury
Ah, springtime. When a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of….yelling in the park with a bunch of sign-wielding gendernondenominationals about the Current Thing that social media says is fundamental. And with the Covid narrative hardening into the stale musty dog droppings that we always knew it was, I guess that means we should start looking beyond our shores for further adventures. Therefore, we took the liberty of calling upon Dr. Endicott B. Strangelove, deacon affiliated with a breakaway Presbyterian congregation so conservative they ditched their masks a full week before their governor decreed they could so do, to tap his brain on the Ukrainian situation. Download his app on your Android device today!
Tribal Theocrat: Thank you for taking the time to talk with us.
Dr. S: The pleasure is all mine, I assure you. Would you excuse me for a moment, please?
He moves to a map of the Black Sea that covers the entire wall with a handful of blue-and-yellow flags, and places them in a cluster around an isolated city.
Dr. S: There! I always make a point of keeping up with the latest military developments. Watchman, watch, after all!
TT: Actually, I think that’s Romania. And you stuck all your flags around Bucharest.
Dr. S (brow furrowing): Rebuke not an elder! First Timothy, chapter five, verse one!
TT: And this, friends and neighbors, is why I went to journalism school for four years. But such is life. Obviously, you are a Ukrainian partisan. Could you explain to us why, exactly?
Dr. S: The fact that you even have to ask such a question presupposes your utter brutishness. Had you studied your Bible as much as I have over the years, you might have come across a little story about David and Goliath. Faith slays giants! God uses the paltry to confound the mighty! The parallels are so obvious, it’s obvious! You obviously don’t remember the Cold War, son. You need to read more Strobe Talbott books on the subject.
TT: I can’t even. What about Nebuchadnezzar, who was God’s agent in implementing His will, and who He later redeemed?
Dr. S: There you go rebuking elders again. Please give me the number of your pastor, so we can demand an accounting of you together. I probably know him. We all do. We’re like flocks of geese that way.
TT: Perhaps later. Back to the subject. Let’s play devil’s advocate and presume your faulty Biblical analogy could possibly be apropos. What evidence is there to bolster your claim? What, exactly, do you know about the Ukrainian imbroglio over, say, the past decade?
Dr. S: I know that Ukraine is one of the most Christian countries in Europe. I know that Ukrainian Jews suffered abominable ends during the Holocaust. I know that Putin is just one in a long string of Russian tyrants determined to quash this gallant people and bring them under the sway of the Warsaw Pact.
TT: I said over the past decade, dude. And you do realize the Warsaw Pact is no longer a thing, yes?
Dr. S: Oh, you’d like to believe that, wouldn’t you? And what about Putin’s attempts to carve South Ossetia out of Georgia, hah?
TT: Still over ten years ago. And that’s still not Ukraine. Though I will grant that there is a common denominator in both cases of Putin wishing to restrain NATO influence on Russian borders.
Dr. S: Well, I’m glad to see we have found some common ground. Is this ecumenism?
TT: I’m sorry, but I just can’t let the whole wilful ignorance thing drop. Does the fact that Ukraine was harboring American-financed biological warfare labs within its borders not give you pause?
Dr. S: Ah, just as I suspected! You’re one of those anti-science kooks! This is why the church must only interact with cosmopolitan types, so that our credibility might remain unblemished. Those are Soviet-era labs that our government is helping Ukrainian authorities clear of all bioweapons from the Brezhnev era. Everyone knows that.
TT: Everyone knows what pig manure smells like. Tucker Carlson reported that these labs have been supported by the US since 2005. How long does it take to dispense of hazardous material? Chernobyl was contained in far, far less time.
Dr. S: Cultural appropriation on your part. Who are you to impose your Western-based concepts of time priorities on such an historically oppressed people? Besides, the languid climate of the Ukrainian spring has a phlegmatic effect on the populace. Have you ever been to the Crimea? It’s Edenic. No wonder Israel desires it as a second Zionist homeland.
TT: Did you really just say that out loud?
Dr. S: Next question?
TT: I’m presuming you’re a big fan of Zelensky?
Dr. S: Of course! That plucky cherub in the green t-shirt, standing fast against Russian oligarchy! He reminds me of Linus from Peanuts. Which, I’m sure you’re unaware, had Christian connotations.
TT: OK, Boomer. It doesn’t strike you as odd that he was best known as a comedian until recently? And by recently, I mean a mere three years ago, when he “won” the Ukrainian presidency? Not to mention he was a pretty dang scatological comedian at that. Does this sound like a Christian magistrate to you?
Dr. S: How soon some people forget The Gipper, who also made several funny movies that made me laugh and who was literally Charlemagne with Vitalis in his hair. St. Zelensky follows in that noble tradition. Why, he told Putin, and I quote, ‘even if you destroy all our cathedrals and churches, you will not destroy our faith.’ I’m guessing that’s more confessional than anything you’ve said this week.
TT: ‘Our’ cathedrals and churches. That’s rich, given he’s Jewish.
Dr. S: Such flagrant antisemitism is what led to the Holodomor, you know! Anne Applebaum had an essay on that in the latest National Review!!!
TT: And his constant giddy hollering about how World War III is just around the corner unless he gets more love donations from the West today? That’s a trait to admire? Sounds rather Orel Roberts-ish of him.
Dr. S: What, do you want to live forever? That’s a line from Braveheart, I think. Which, owing to your youth and inexperience, you’ve obviously never heard of.
TT: How has your stance affected your church’s services?
Dr. S: We require all of our congregation’s husbands to wear blue suits, and their wives to wear yellow dresses. Single people have therefore been barred from our services, as they make a hash out of our intricate color-code dynamic. They will learn the sacrifices we must all make to shew forth solidarity! We have adopted the Byzantine Rite and lifted our injunction against iconography, and livestream all our sermons so that our Ukrainian Orthodox brethren who somehow still have working internet might be able to intercept our goodwill gesture and take heart. And, of course, we pray without ceasing for the safekeeping of the brave souls of the Azov Battalion.
TT: Really? You’re not in the slightest bit put off by their loudly proclaimed and thus highly suspect neo-Nazism? Nor by the atrocity videos circulating that they readily admit is their doing?
Dr. S: Sheesh! Aren’t you the innocent waif??? Don’t you know you have to break a few eggs in order to make a perogy??? Sure, they’re diamonds in the rough. So what? So have been freedom-fighters everywhere, from our Founding Fathers to the Nicaraguan Contras!
TT: Well, that last certainly is an apt comparison, considering Israel has funneled covert resources to both the Contras and the Azov Battalion.
Dr. S: I know, right??? Isn’t it wonderful when God’s plan comes together??? Truly, the servant is worthy of his hire!
TT: Dave Ramsey must come to you for financial advice. And speaking of finances, surely you have to admit that Western banks’ attempts to block Russian Railways from paying its bondholders constitutes a most un-Christian act. Where in the Scriptures is the suppression of honest attempts to meet debt obligations justified?
Dr. S: Blood money! Know ye not that the Trans-Siberian railway was built upon the bones of the Gulag Archipelago??? If the West is a little tardy in recognizing this, it still proffers the clearest proof yet of Christian regeneration throughout the world!!! And you dare to presume that regenerate Christians would be unjust towards Ukraine??? This stinking thinking is why you have been unable to attain to a comfortable sinecure like I have, cretin!
TT: I think we have gotten a very perceptive glimpse into your analytical insight in regards to this complex geopolitical issue, or lack thereof. Thank you very much for your time.
Dr. S: You’re welcome. I enjoy winning.
(phone rings)
Dr. S: Oh, it’s my broker. Scuse me, I gotta take this.
(picks up phone)
Dr. S: Hey, Morrie. What’s cookin? Huh? You have an inside line on a whole chunk of Gazprom stock?? Yeah, of COURSE nab it up, dude! That puppy’s going nowhere but up, and I have Harley payments to make!!! By the bye, have you found out whether I can convert any funds into rubles yet? Can we go through my Caymans account for that?
TT: Until next time, folks.