By Colby Malsbury

 

As millions more are slated to perish in the most totally legitimate plague that has ever been foisted upon modern man, and we wander forlornly through devastated mist-shrouded landscapes as the Red Death holds sway over us all, it is only fitting that we adopt a sombre mien. In that spirit, Mr. Calvin Karens, pastor of a church at No Fixed Address (determinate addresses are soooo exclusivist and might cause offence, after all) has graciously interrupted his navel-gazing angst long enough to share his thoughts with us on this matter.

Tribal Theocrat: It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mr. Karens.

Calvin Karens: Mewf fewferrrl pfhewdidumpf brewfuffwl.

TT: I’m sorry, but you sound like the Swedish Chef from the Muppets. Could you remove your mask long enough to talk to us, please?

CK: (rips off mask in a tizzy) I want it on the record that I am doing this under duress, and if my nose runs tonight I will be demanding an accounting from your pastor. Could I get his name, number, and Facebook handle?

TT: No. I see that you are taking rather draconian and unnecessary precautions. Why is that?

CK: Wow, just wow! Do you even Bible, fiend? How can you complacently sit there and show insufficient love in your heart towards your neighbor, an image-bearer like yourself??? WWJD??? Not that!!! Now I have to sit here unshielded while your unclean breath wafts over me! Behold, O Lord, for I am weary!!!

TT: Yes, we all have our trials. Jeremiah had his well, Ezekiel had his muteness, you have your spasmodic little OCD fit. But enough preliminaries. Perhaps you would care to tell us a little bit about yourself, and how Covid-19 has personally affected you?

CK: Certainly. I am the senior pastor at Brown Vs. Board of Education Presbyterian (PCA-affiliated) in Sioux Falls. B.Th. Covenant, M.Th. Fuller, D.Th. Westminster. So I am eminently qualified to speak on questions of virology. What is being visited upon us is nothing short of apocalyptic. Three hundred years of systemic racism have finally caught up with us and we are under judgment. Or disapproval. Or house arrest. Something. Whatever it is, it’s bad. And anyone who calls it ‘just a flu’ or a ‘plandemic’ is being uncharitable and stiffnecked and cruel and is one utterly unworthy for me to break bread with. I’m getting my cousin to add my indignation to the confession of faith on our website Tuesday. Hey, do they still offer tech support for Windows 98, just in case?

TT: Wait – Sioux Falls? You’re in South Dakota?

CK: Correct.

TT: Where they never implemented statewide lockdown procedures?

CK: To our everlasting shame.

TT: And yet they never experienced a wave of Covid fatalities. How do you explain that?

CK: I don’t have to explain anything! I’m a theologian! But to answer your impertinent question: they didn’t! They will answer for their perfidy! It’s an established fact that the deadliest time for Covid is when no one is symptomatic of it! Did Pharaoh complain of the plague BEFORE the plague hit? No! Case closed! Why did you take me out of my safe space to subject me to this drivel???

TT: You really shouldn’t get so worked up. Your frosted hair tips are beginning to melt. How has the situation affected your worship services?

CK: Well, of course, we wanted to be as proactive as possible. So we had the church shuttered up good and tight by the middle of December. Providentially, that was when my two month long ski trip to Aspen took place, and there wasn’t much sense in re-opening once I got back, if we wanted to acknowledge our rulers as terrors to evil works rather than good, as per Romans 13. So we have been holding a Zoom service for the past half year. The signal hiccups and burps and freezes and re-calibrates continuously, as we are feeding off of a tower located atop Mt. Rushmore, but that’s OK. It is still a most edifying fellowship. Plus, we can always go onto straight dial-up if we have to. Sure am glad I never got around to disconnecting the church’s land line!

TT: Is that not rather faithless? WCF Chapter 29 Section 3 makes clear that no one not present in the congregation may partake of communion, so does that not speak for the necessity of physical fellowship?

CK: Don’t you DARE judge me when the science is settled! What are you, a Luddite or something? And actually, I personally call on every congregant at home and proffer them communion in a hazmat suit! But the prophets’ ministrations went unheeded by a reprobate world, so why should I expect any different?

TT: When do you plan on physically reopening your church?

CK: Oh, we can’t. Y’see, while the church was vacated, our local BLM contingent took it over and declared it autonomous. I believe they could find more comfortable accommodations elsewhere, but I have been reluctant to bring it up to them because, after all, these are turbulent times and we want to avoid rocking the boat at all costs. Hence, after I finish my communion rounds I go over there and minister to them by dispensing free masks. They throw brickbats at me. Such is the tragic outcome of their growing up oppressed in a systematically racist society. Not to mention it’s hard handing out masks when you stand the requisite 6.5 feet away from them. When you throw those things, they don’t tend to carry well at all.

TT: Carry on, Wayward Son. You have made some Scriptural references for the necessity of mask-wearing already. Can you provide us with others?

CK: Certainly. Romans chapter 14 makes clear that we have a responsibility to honor the weaker brethren in our midst. Shielding ourselves from their tender immune systems via a facial covering is only what Jesus would do.

TT: Well, I’m not sure Jesus would have humored the delusions of the mentally ill in His midst, all while suffering counter-productive asphyxiation.

CK: Oh, thou mocker! I can send you some resources from Lamb’s Reign on this topic if you require convincing!!

TT: No, that’s perfectly all right. Gary North has taken out a restraining order against my URL, and I must stay 75 feet away from him, his family, and his employees online at all times. Hey, talk about social distancing!

CK: I will pray for you. Also, we must be conscious that we use our freedom for the sake of the Gospel, as per 1 Cor. 9:19-23.

TT: And that is germane to coerced participation in the Scarybug LARP how, precisely?

CK: Always with the negative waves! This is why you will never attain a sinecure, like I have! No doubt you will be rejoicing when the murder hornets begin stinging our poor persecuted brethren to death, as well!

TT: You know me and mass-media narrative trends so well, it’s scary. Do you personally know anyone who has succumbed to Covid? Or merely caught it?

CK: I know EVERYONE who has caught it in spirit! That’s just how expansive my compassion is. I do personally know of Edgar Porcupine, though. He had a bad cough all spring. He lives on Pine Ridge, and is a cigarette smuggler who also inhales greasewood fumes during his tribal rejuvenation rituals, but I think he counts. After all, the clinic on the reservation said he had it. And why would they lie?

TT: In other words, no, you don’t personally know anyone. I figured as much.

CK: I know more people than you! What’s the last Ligonier conference you attended, huh???

TT: Moot point, as the conference has likely been cancelled this year.

CK: Oooooggg! I revile you utterly! I’ve engaged in enough fooferaw with Mephistopheles. I cannot waste even one more second on you. I am scheduled to meet with my deacon board in half an hour so we can film an upbeat video of us twerking to cheer our congregation up. Watch for it on Tik-Tok.

TT: You realize Tik-Tok has just been banned in the US?

CK: (peevishly pointing a limp finger towards the doorway) DEPART!!! And be certain to follow the clearly-delineated arrows on the floor correctly, ye of little faith!! (Putting mask on again) Empf mfwfymphymdmphl gbdyddylym rwmf!!

TT: Yes, and to you and yours as well.