Tribal Theocrat recently teamed up with TGC to conduct a poll of over 4000 ministers ordained in the Presbyterian Church in America. The poll concerned their romantic, sexual, and gender identities, as well as their porn-watching habits. One surprising result: over 31% of all PCA ministers admit to being romantically and sexually attracted to roadkill. Some other interesting results, from respondents with roadkill attraction (RKA):

The poll asked for any commentary or personal testimonies that respondents would like to share. The following are a few of these comments:

The question that plagues us is NOT, “How do we keep this plague out of the Church?”, but rather, “How do we make the Church a safe space for the roadkill-attracted?” The question is NOT, “How do we cure RKA?”, but rather, “How do we make RKA serve the Gospel?” ~ Rev. Zane Halverson, King’s Highway Presbyterian, San Antonio, TX

It really hurts my feelings when laymen pretend to be understanding, but immediately wash their hands after shaking mine. I know that’s what they’re doing the restroom. One parishioner actually vomited after seeing the collection of roadkill art I keep in my office. It was all tasteful, and my session knows I’m celibate, but some people seem incurably judgmental, like they don’t even know it’s the current year. ~ Pastor Holden Finch, St. Lazarus Presbyterian Church, Memphis, TN

St. Francis of Assisi was known for his love of living animals. Those who have sanctified their RKA are only ‘guilty’ of combining a love of animals with a Gospel-hope in the resurrection of the body. The Bible is replete with stories of animals and humans living together and serving one another in mutual love. God oversaw the evolution of all species, and saved humankind and animal-kind alike in the allegory of Noah’s Flood. Balaam’s donkey saved his life, Abraham and Job both cared for a massive number of animals, and the prophet Nathan confronted David’s lust for woman with a story about a man’s love for a lamb. Even the Lord Himself passed through a corridor of slain animals when affirming His covenant with Abraham. With a veritable mountain of Biblical evidence staring us right in the face, how can anyone question that a Gospel-centered RKA serves Gospel-purposes? ~ Pastor Auden Kilgore, Resurrection Church, Rock Hill, SC

The true sin that plagues the Church today is the sin of whiteness. What better way to mortify that sin than by forming bonds with the mortified flesh of animals? By refusing to perpetuate ourselves through more white children, we show people of color that we have true Gospel-love for them, and are genuinely repentant of our forefather’s racial guilt, which was imputed to us covenantally. RKA should be seen as a Gospel-mercy to white Christians who, while having a well-developed social conscience, still desire companionship. RKA, in fact, is a way of identifying with a sacrificed animal, which conspicuously shows our willingness to sacrifice our future so that people of color may successfully deal with the trauma of their past. ~ Rev. Atticus Debs, Social Justice Presbyterian, Berkeley, CA

While riding in a funeral procession to perform a graveside service, I noticed a dead armadillo on the side of the road. Immediately, I felt a burning in my loins like a teenage boy on prom night. The service was for a veteran, which I thought providential, since he died for my freedom to love. Despite the mental distraction, I managed to get through the funeral service and head back for the armadillo later that evening. I lovingly scooped him up with a shovel and added his rotting carcass to my non-traditional family. Armadillos often carry leprosy, and I explained my actions in next Sunday’s sermon on the basis of Christ’s love for lepers, prostitutes, tax collectors, and others that ‘normal’ society found distasteful. Despite the fact that many in my congregation are cisgendered hetero-boring, they were VERY supportive! So BLESSED!!! ~ Pastor Bernie Kagan, New World Community Church (PCA), Austin, TX

Given the surprising results of the poll, TGC felt it prudent to contact Rev. Tim Keller, tutelary deity of the PCA, for guidance and comment:

RKA is a well-known condition that affects many people, especially those in the pastorate. In fact, some of the most talented ministers at Redeemer struggle with RKA. Whether or not you’re attracted to roadkill is not what matters; what matters is if Christ died for you. Heaven is full of sinners. All sin, no matter if it’s drinking one beer too many or pimping boys for a child prostitution ring, is a stain that must be covered by the blood of Christ. When we judge those with RKA, we join the Pharisee who prayed, ‘God, I thank you that I am not like this tax collector.’ We separate ourselves from the love of Christ by our own self-righteousness, failing both to comprehend the depths of our own sin and the magnitude of what Christ did for us. Faithful Christians tempted by bizarre and grotesque perversions should be put on a pedestal as a city on a hill, that we may more magnify the power of Christ in their lives. Then we need to get to work, making our cities and our Churches great and welcoming places for everyone, no matter who or what they’re attracted to.